And then sometimes the juggling ball gets sliced in half, and you know how that is. And yes, five frames, I'm seeing the amount of effort that I'm putting into life right now as having bought back this frame.
But seriously, there is so much going on right now, I'm barely keeping my shit together here. The few feet of desk surface that acts as my life organizer is a clutter of papers, keys, coffee, and other miscellanea. And I know there's a whole ton of people in my life (my old life, anyway) that are more or less mentally screaming at me to "just do it then" or "just do more" or "just try harder" or "just do better". There's paperwork there, just do it. I have a spare three seconds between one activity and another, just cram that task into there. I must just be lazy, right? Well y'know what, until you put yourself in my shoes, those thoughts are meaningless to me. Each of these things requires shifting into a different mental focus, and when one has to focus deeply on a specific subject to accomplish a task in it, just bouncing from one to the other, or just *slipping it in* between two other tasks isn't always that easy. Every single task, no matter how mundane sounding, requires an allotment of time and mental resources to accomplish. And if you want it done well, you need to mentally prepare yourself before and after said task. And that takes time, and a lack of distraction from other things. Like those things mentioned in the comic above for example.
Y'know what happens when you just *cram a task in* whenever you have a spare second? That's when you get the shittiest possible result. That's when you're doing the absolute bare minimum required to complete that task, so that it's gone and out of the way and you never have to think about it again.
And that is an absolutely *TERRIBLE* way to go through life. For me at least. I'm currently in the process of laying down a brand new foundation for my life to follow. Do you think I *WANT* the foundation of my life to be built on the bare minimum? Oh yeah, it's easy to say from a comfy armchair, eating... I dunno, what people with money eat nowadays. I've only really known boiled cabbage for about 8 months now, I kinda forgot what flavour is supposed to taste like. Hell, I've cut honey and coffee mate from my budget at this point, coffee to me is nothing more than bitter caffeine liquid, the cheapest capable of being purchased. If I wasn't accepted for that data entry job, I was going to be cutting soy sauce from my budget next.
And then there's the mental preparation for THAT whole thing. Y'know, everyone's congratulating me, and being all positive, which is nice, but... guys, it's not like I *want* this job. I *need* this job. Work is money, money is food, and food is life. I've been having to forcefully will myself to move forward towards exchanging the majority of my daylight hours for the near-equivalent to starvation pay.
Y'know, there's still THAT whole issue, the elephant in the room that absolutely everyone in-person refuses to talk about. Greatest economic inequality in North American history? Most corrupt elite caste ever? 19 trillion USD of debt? Crude oil, stock market, any of that ringing a bell? Yeah, that hasn't gone away. So while everyone seems to be happy and whatnot, here I am forcing a smile onto my face as I accept my near-death-sentence. At least until the ecomony implodes, and one day the banks just... don't open. It's happened every other time in all of human history, where a currency dies. Every single empire in human history has fallen. I just have to stay alive until that happens. And then everything changes for everyone, in whatever form that takes, and then all of the meaningless, do-nothing jobs that should have been eliminated a decade ago can finally go away. More people than employment and all that, re-read the above paragraph if needed :P.
That's why a lot of my mental wrangling has been on why I will enjoy returning to the office. Because really, I don't technically *need* to return to the office. I've been subsisting on the bare minimum capable of keeping me alive in modern society for a while now, I could keep doing that for a while. I have a virtually-empty credit line and an immaculate credit history, I could very easily keep doing that. Except I *REALLY* don't want to simply slowly slide into debt until either the economy dies (more likely), or whatever happens to people who can no longer pay to keep themselves alive happens to me. Welfare or whatever.
Which in a sane world would be eliminated with all other give-money-to-poor-people programs and replaced with unconditional basic income for everyone, but that's besides the point. We're stuck with what we've got at this exact time.
So looking forward to working in an office. I need to find the silver lining to this and lay my foundation on *that*, rather than the money angle. Laying your mental foundation on a collapsing dollar is just about the most insane thing I could think to ever subject myself to. It's starvation pay, fine. So what am I getting in exchange for this starvation pay?
The ability to help others, and the ability to "come out" again. Let's start with those two to begin with... more will follow. I love helping others, and the office needs me. I was explicitly chosen from other available candidates, using a method which indicates that my specific talents are desired. I'm very good at what I do, and what they want me to do, I will be very good at. Sorry to say, but the company itself I'm working in is irrelevant to me. I am going in with the mindset of helping the *people* there, not the company itself (and don't get me started on companies still having 'person' status... how THAT'S escaping public scrutiny in today's age still baffles me). I mean sure, they need someone to enter data, but I come with so much *more* than that. Printer jams? Lemme at 'em. Water jugs need hauling? Sure! Need anything done with anything, that involves practical skill, analytical thought, and flawless execution? I'm your girl.
Which brings me to the other fun side of going back to work, getting to 'come out' again. For legal reasons (until such time I legally change my name to Tannis), all my work paperwork is filled out under my old name. These people have never seen or met me before, and they will (temporarily unfortunately) greet a male when I show up for work on Monday. The expectation however is that I will be there for about a half-year or more (in an industry that will make watching the summer economy in 2016 most informational and entertaining), and during that time they'll get to know me. I wear a pride bracelet every day, and that won't change. As people get more used to me, and I become a fixture in the office, we'll start talking to eachother, and it'll come up. I don't hide being trans... just dressing appropriate for the office given all circumstances. And by that time, I will hopefully have surpassed their expectations of me, and the subject won't be an issue. And I'll be able to feel out who might be more receptive to that information, and kinda see who my allies might be.
Take it slow, take it steady, move with confidence, and hide nothing. A solid foundation is essential to a happy life :)
OOHH, and one other thing! A long-term goal to work towards. I've got a few, but for an explicitly financial one (thus an added incentive to labour for munnies), I want to see Britney Spears in Vegas. Looks like tickets in general range from a few hundred to a few thousand for a meet-and-greet. And if I'm going to save up to go to Vegas to see Britney's Piece of Me show, you're damn right I'm not getting the bare minimum. And then hotel and flight and food and all that. So like... 4 grand I'd want to have saved up for that. She's extended her tour to 2017, so I'm going to shoot for that... see how much I have saved up by the end of this summer and gauge things based on that.
Because otherwise, what the hell else do I spend the money on? Put it into an RRSP? Pfft, you and I both know that nobody under 50 is going to retire, I'd do better buying gold bullion and burying it :P. And rather than have a lump of metal that I personally don't really care about (wooh, heavy yellow metal), I could spend that money on seeing Britney. And that sounds like a far more enjoyable use for these numbers I'm exchanging daylight hours for.
What the hell, another update? It's like there's a whole lot of things happening all at once in my life or something!
No, seriously, there are so many balls in the air, I can't even. Do you know how hard it is to juggle with scythe hands?!?
Lessee, I'm starting a new job on Monday, I'm volunteering at a cat shelter, I have a whittling project and livestream, I'm selling a car, all while being in the process of moving, in the middle of a divorce. And taht barely even scrapes the surface of what else is going on.
Never mind the forest worth of paperwork all that entails being filled out, there's the essentials of life I need to cram in there, like purchasing food, attending events, preparing and eating said food, all while watching my life savings become a smaller and smaller number. And then there's coming out as trans.
All of this is just hardening me. Deliberately misgender me and use the wrong name, then all that does is make me listen to you less. I will surround myself with people who support me. The internet is good at things like that.
But seriously, if I could get less major life events happening at once, that would be fantastic. Y'know, a little bit less to deal with all at the exact same time, and whatcha get outta me is gonna be a helluva lot better.
Basically everything was designed by Nintendo, who I'm hoping still let me keep doing my thing. It's a parody. And free. Did I mention they're awesome too?
Comics, ideas, etc, etc owned by me, blah, blah, legal crap. Look, just don't be a jerk, and it's all good. I'm pretty easygoing, and really don't care all that much... just don't go impersonating me and we're cool.